I feel like I haven’t updated in a while, and some people have inquired about what happened to my blog. Worry not dear reader, I am still alive and mostly well. I guess I haven’t had much to write about because life hasn’t been too interesting to the average observer.
I am currently taking a break from school. Depression was hitting hard, and anxiety was pounding so hard that it would have been ejected from the match… if that’s something that can happen in boxing. Life just became too much for me to handle, and as you might have read in one of my Japan entries, even on vacation, anxiety was eating me up. This isn’t to say I was overworked, because I was too stressed, and sad, and ADHD to do anything anyway. Often, my anxiousness doesn’t come from a place that can be pinpointed, but it would just build and build until I crumbled down. As I kept saying to myself and anyone who asked: it was hard just to exist.
Not being in school has been a lot better. It’s weird though, because at one point I was thinking that maybe I’d get a PhD someday, yet now, a BA seems unlikely. I still really enjoy learning, like a lot. Maybe university just isn’t a type of education environment that works for me. I’m currently taking a writing class with the city, and it’s going pretty well so far. The setup is a lot like high school, so it feels familiar, except I’m the youngest in the class by 15 years at the very least (a smaller age gap than my pottery class, where one of my classmates was 77 the year I was born).
The expression that everyone seems to use to describe where I am in life right now is “trying to stick a square peg in a round hole,” which is an expression I had never heard before, but has been brought up individually by my ADHD coach, therapist, and family doctor. I may be going to a psychiatrist relatively soon, and she’ll probably use the expression too, and so will my eye doctor (though if the “round hole” is my eye socket, that might not work as well). I understood it from context, but it’s been explained to me several times nonetheless. Basically, as you may or may not have gathered, it means that I don’t conform well to society’s expectations. I “march to the beat of my own drum” or whatever cliché you want to use. And despite my griping about being told this so much, I definitely agree. I need to figure out a way to meet my basic needs without living my life completely inauthentically. By my basic needs, I mean basic happiness needs for the moment and then basic survival needs further into the future (love you Mum and Dad). So really what I need is money to support my spending problem.
I guess what I’m saying is that there’s probably an Etsy store in my future. Look out for my Brooches for Men & Everyone Else, or “BROoches” (shoutout Scott).