I’ve been hesitant to write about this, partially because it’s somewhat new and uncertain, and partially because I find it really embarrassing. Lately, all I’ve been is really lonely. I have only a few friends, and I really love them, but after going through a sort of breakup recently, I’ve simply been lacking companionship. There are roughly two people outside my family that I text more than once a month.
I didn’t do this to myself on purpose. I’m definitely an introvert, but I still enjoy the company of others. I don’t know when making friends became so hard. I don’t know why I can know someone who is my age and shares my interests, but I still feel as though there is a wall between us. There seems to always be some mutual lack of interest in getting to know each other better, or maybe it’s just my fear of rejection.
I am worried there is something wrong with me, and I lack self-awareness. I find lacking self-awareness is so much scarier than being hated by all my peers. I know I’m weird as fuck. A bundle of American Girl Dolls, Muppets, Edgar Allen Poe, musicals, bizarre crafts, and opinions on almost everything is not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, but I always thought that I had an okay-enough personality that people would enjoy hanging out with me. Recently, I think I’ve developed an awkwardness that I’ve never experienced before in all my years of being awkward. I feel like the part of myself that I’ve always considered authentic is now just a shell too, and it doesn’t seem to be a shell that people even like that much. I think that deep down, the “true me” is absolutely nothing, or worse, just like everybody else’s. What if at my core, who I am is just small talk?
All of this isn’t to say I hate myself. As I’ve mentioned before, through all the depression and anxiety, I don’t. I don’t really “love myself” in that self-care way either. I am horrible to myself. I don’t take care of myself, I have hurt myself, and I can’t be bothered to change my ways. However, I do genuinely like myself. I enjoy hanging out with myself, and unfortunately, I am my own best friend. I also happen to be my own worst enemy, so the relationship might be toxic. We go to couples therapy though (which is to say regular therapy), so hopefully we’ll improve our relationship one day, because breaking up doesn’t seem possible.