Recently, I lost one of the most important things in the world to me. Something I truly believed I would have forever is no more... at least for the time being. I don't want to get into the specifics as it involves someone else, and it would not be fair of me to post about all this without their consent, but suffice to say, this loss crushed me. I spent days in bed crying, and frankly it still really upsets me. But you know what, I'm okay.
I recently switched antidepressants, and came off my high dose of Zoloft. At the time, this was more of an inconvenience than anything else. Switching drugs is not a pleasant experience, and I have to admit that I was not the most pleasurable person to be around during the month or so that I was transitioning. Despite being surrounded by things that should excite me and make me happy, I was depressed, and I even found my 21st birthday trip (the only thing I had been looking forward to for months prior) to be a little bit more of a chore than I was hoping it would be.
Over two months later, I am on an average amount of a drug called Cipralex, and things could not be more different. I still get anxious and sad, but I find myself able to do things that I never would have imagined doing before. I'm known for making messes, but with help from my dad, I was able to be an active participant in cleaning one up. That's right: for the first time in probably well over a year, having a big mess in front of me didn't give me a panic attack and make me cry in bed while others figured it would be easier to deal with the mess of stuff on the floor themselves than to coach me through my emotional rollercoaster of trying to put a shirt in the laundry bin! Sure it sounds like a small victory, or maybe not a victory at all, but to me, it was a clear sign that I'm getting better.
The loss I mentioned earlier has been hard for me, but not totally destructive. If this had happened to me a year ago, I feel like I shouldn't even put into words how drastic my response would have been. Today though, I do feel sad about it, but I am able to get out of bed. I am able to talk to friends, I've even left the house a couple times since this happened. The sadness I feel is totally different than the depression that has plagued me. My sorrow only takes up a certain part of me, the rest of me can still function.
I am excited to announce my return to school in the fall! I wasn't sure I would ever be up for it, but here I am, not only ready, but cautiously excited. Things are starting to look up, and I'm so excited to see where I go!