I feel like I finally get religion. Ever since I became an atheist (which to be clear, happened pretty much as soon as I was introduced to religion), I’ve never fully understood why people were so into this theology thing. As I grew older and took more sociology classes, I came to the conclusion that people turned to religion because it feels good to belong. Congregating once a week with people who unequivocally accept you must give a person a comforting sense of security in such a cold world.
After losing my grandfather at seven years old, I found myself talking to him sometimes. I never gave it much thought though. I suppose that even though I was talking to him, I didn’t necessarily think about whether or not I thought he was hearing me. I was also only speaking to him in my head, but I guess if ghosts exist, they may as well be able to hear my thoughts. Also, strangely enough, the only time I would do this was when I was going to the bathroom in a public washroom. I don’t know why, but I guess that was our special time for just the two of us.
I lost my mum just under two weeks ago. I’d say at least 25% of my thoughts recently have been, “I want my Mummy,” but I have also been talking to her, mostly in my head. According to everything I have ever believed, she cannot hear me. Not only that, but she no longer exists. She can’t hear anyone. She has no consciousness to interpret silence or darkness. Everything that made up the parts of her that weren’t physical, are now gone. They're now complete and utter nothingness. That thought isn’t comforting at all.
Though rationally, I don’t believe she can hear me or interpret what I’m saying because there is no “her” anymore, I can’t stop talking to her, and I don’t want to. I fully identify as an atheist (a jewish atheist, which I don’t believe to be contradictory, but others probably disagree), but I think I’ll continue talking to my mum for the rest of my life. I’ll keep pretending to believe she is watching over me, and knows how I’m feeling. She’s as frustrated that I can’t feel her hugs as I am. We’ll probably have conversations, and I can hear her advice. Oh no, is this starting to sound crazy if she talks back to me in my head? Whatever. I don’t think I could get through life without it. The thought of living without Mum is way too scary, so I’ll turn my brain off and keep pretending she’s here no matter how concerned qualified professionals may be.
This brings me back to religion, because all of a sudden, my understanding of believing in the supernatural is not only through community, but I think I also understand it on an individual basis. Believing in "more" allows a person to feel connected to their past, and feel less scared about their future. No matter how much I want to, I don’t believe in "more," although I’m pretty sure I get why someone would. And you know what, if I’m wrong about everything I believe (which you can never rule out), that would be really great. There is no nicer thought than believing that I will see my mum again someday.